The following is audio and a transcript entered into evidence in the first degree murder trial of 46 year-old Richard Kachkar.

He has pleaded not guilty to first degree murder and dangerous driving in the death of Toronto Police Sgt. Ryan Russell on January 12th, 2011.

This is part of a conversation between Kachkar and Det. Mary Vruna and Det. Dan Nielsen on January 25th, 2011.

KACHKAR: I know I did something wrong. I know I did something wrong, I did something stupid. I'm having a hard time recalling it. I’m mixed up. I've never had a pol’- I've always had highest regards for police and all my - and all things. I always even wanted to be police. But why – you know why would I do that? And even if it was let's say, you know, it could of been anybody. It could. It could of been much worse too. It could of been a group of kids and a bus stop … they shoot. This could have been disastrous. But it wasn't. It didn't have anything to do with police. That's when the wife calls the lawyer on the newspaper cop killer everything. I said wow. Wow.

NIELSEN: I'm trying to get ah when you - maybe I'm misunderstanding; you said it could of been worse?

KACHKAR: Yeah. It could have been. Well, I mean it could.

NIELSEN: A - a young man lost his life.

KACHKAR: Yeah. What happens if I - what happens if I had hit a whole bunch of people?

NIELSEN: If it was somebody other than a police officer that would make it worse in your mind?

KACHKAR: No, I'm saying police officers is - is tragic.

NIELSEN: M-hm.

KACHKAR: But any life is tragic as well.

NIELSEN: Okay.

KACHKAR: Police officer is tragic but that’s his job; same thing with these Wardens here. They're taking care of people. They – taking care of people with disease, with AIDS - you get AIDS through blood right, through a fight.

NIELSEN: And that's just part of the - that's the nature of the job – the job?

KACHKAR: Well, the nature of the job but plus the person goes out (Inaudible) I’m seeing that. It's tragic what happened. I can't believe what happened.

NIELSEN: Okay.

KACHKAR: I don’t know how it happened.

NIELSEN: Did what happened - all this happened. Did it happen because you were upset with yourself and your life? Is that what the - what the problem is?

KACHKAR: I don't know. I really don't know. I don't know.

NIELSEN: You don't think so?

KACHKAR: No, because I have a good life ahead of me.

NIELSEN: M-hm.

KACHKAR: My kids are older now and everything. I don't have a bad life. I have a good life. I have all my skills, everything ready to go. Just – this is just a training part, it's just a matter of - of making sure they're okay, that's all.

NIELSEN: Like going back to what you've told us. You went to see your wife and your kids and they didn't let, they didn't want you in the house. When you left you had 20 - $22 dollars to your name. You had no other money. You had only the clothes on your back. You came to Toronto. It sounds to me like you weren't very happy.
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KACHKAR: No officer; I’m happy because I know here Stevie B’s got some clothes for me. They'll help me out and one day I get a job when I want to. The reason before I couldn't is just because I was also going back and forth, back and forth. But now when I came this time---

NIELSEN: M-hm.

KACHKAR: ---it was here to stay so they were gonna (sic) I could get help, I could go to the next morning. I could go down to the job place and get a job. I was ready this time.

NIELSEN: You also said you weren't feeling very good. In fact, I think I asked you this ‘is this the worst you felt in your life’ and you - you agreed with that. Is that true? Is that a fair statement?

KACHKAR: Um, yeah. But it's separate from that. It wasn't because I'm here or there. I wasn't feeling good just because - just like if you were eating and then you told me to leave.

NIELSEN: M-hm.

KACHKAR: Say if the food came and you said leave; I would feel like bad. That's all it was.

NIELSEN: So when you say you felt bad, bad enough to go to the hospital or clinic, because you wanted to see a doctor? That's what you said right?

KACHKAR: Yeah.

NIELSEN: And I asked you if this was the worst you felt in your life and you said yes. But was it bad like you just described, somebody asking you to leave and you don't want to or is it bad for some other reason? Because the way I understood it, it's not---

KACHKAR: Bad becauseI know I'm not gonna (sic) go back anymore. That's the end of it.
NIELSEN: Back to?

KACHKAR: Back home, or care or anything. Even if the call and say oh Ashley's in trouble; I can’t help you anymore.

NIELSEN: Had you made that decision?

KACHKAR: I did make that decision.

NIELSEN: When did you make that decision?

KACHKAR: When they – that - when I left Toronto that night.

NIELSEN: You said?

KACHKAR: When I left St. Catharines that night.

NIELSEN: So that was a pretty final decision on your part?

KACHKAR: A very final decision.

NIELSEN: You said you weren't gonna (sic) go back?

KACHKAR: Ah, it's not that I wasn't gonna (sic) go back, but I'm not gonna (sic) go here and there and call and everything that’s - that’s, this was decided. That was after the shelter I think um - in St. Catharines. That was the purpose of that.

NIELSEN: Alright.

KACHKAR: I could have stayed at the house too. I could have stayed. Even at night they didn't want me there, I couldn't have said oh please can I stay, they would of let me stay. But I had enough of that.
NIELSEN: You had enough then?

KACHKAR: Yeah. It wasn't – it wasn’t right for me. It wasn't right for them They don't want me around, they want their privacy. I respect that. Just like I knock on the door and I'd say can I come in you say no you’re busy.

NIELSEN: And so when you went - you said you went to Toronto you made the decision that you weren't gonna go back?

KACHKAR: No. I wasn’t gonna (sic) go back. I was gonna (sic) stay, find a place and go for the housing, get my housing, and whatever whatever to get my work going.

NIELSEN: So again, this - you don't think this happened, this incident you can't remember - you don't think it happened because you were upset with your life?

KACHKAR: No.

NIELSEN: Do you have any explanation why something like this would happen?

KACHKAR: I've been way more upset in my life. I've been upset with my dad, what happened, my sister. I've been upset before, with the wife and and a lot. This wasn't upsetting this was a a good - it was a - it was a almost a good time. You know kids are older now. They are, they’re 21 and 18. That's it, they got to be okay. I've got to move on. I don't know what happened to me.

NIELSEN: Is this the first time that you made this decision that you were gonna (sic) move on?

KACHKAR: Yeah. But even before when I was here, always I’m thinking that I'm gonna (sic) go on the weekends, go back home see the kids when I'm working here.

NIELSEN: M-hm.

KACHKAR: Always I’m going back. Even the bus driver was asking ‘you're spending more money on the bus than you’re um – than you’re ah making.’

NIELSEN: Do you have any questions of me or do you have any more questions?

VRUNA: No, I just ah - when you went to the hospital you actually went into the hospital, did you register when you were there or?

KACHKAR: I think so.

VRUNA: Did you tell the reception there that … you went into the Emerge or where did you go?

KACHKAR: I went into some – through this - I went through there the security guard took me and took me there.

VRUNA: M-hm.

KACHKAR: And I think I gave her my name maybe. But there was like five people, six people there. The lady with cancer, another old lady there. There was a whole bunch of people there.
VRUNA: M-hm.

KACHKAR: And I said and how am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to wait? She said look everybody's waiting.

VRUNA: M-hm.

KACHKAR: And then somebody yelled at me and a guy says oh I'm a med student, and my mom has cancer and we’re waiting.

VRUNA: Okay. But you gave your name?

KACHKAR: I think so.

VRUNA: Yeah. I got … the only question I have is um you know the family of this officer right is gonna (sic) wanna (sic) know that ah Detective Sergeant NIELSEN and myself have spoken to you.

KACHKAR: M-hm.

VRUNA: Is there anything you want us to say to them?

KACHKAR: I'm just so um sad that I did something like that tragic. Now they don't have a daddy and their kids and everything like that. It's just - it's just horrible thing. Horrible thing. I don't even know why - why or how or? I'm sorry. Sorry is not even a word. What do you,what … it was an accident. It wasn't meant to be. Kids without their daddy not coming home and the wife has no husband and all their family and friends and a man of such nice position.

NIELSEN: Can I ask you something about what you just said? If you don't remember, how do you know it was an accident?

KACHKAR: Because I never planned it. Never did any – never went on purpose. It was some - something happened.

NIELSEN: Like how do you know it was an accident?

KACHKAR: Well, because I never planned it never.

NIELSEN: Because you didn't plan it ahead of time? You just kind of just did it?

KACHKAR: But that I did it. Driving was night time. I don't know what happened.

NIELSEN: Just because it was night when you were driving, do you have a hard time remembering?

KACHKAR: I don't remember any of that.

NIELSEN: You don't remember any of it?

KACHKAR: The cars coming and going this way and that way and I can't turn and just confused.

NIELSEN: What was making you confused? The cars or because it was night?

KACHKAR: Just like, I didn't even know what I was doing. Where I was going.

NIELSEN: Where did you think you were going?

KACHKAR: Just running.

NIELSEN: Just running?

KACHKAR: Yeah.

NIELSEN: What were you running from?

KACHKAR: I don't know. That's what I'm saying. I really don't know what happened. It's weird … I don't know what happened.

NIELSEN: Do you remember hitting any cars?

KACHKAR: I don't know, there's something's coming …

NIELSEN: I know.

KACHKAR: … flashing everything. But, I don't know. I can't recall what’s happened that night.

NIELSEN: What kind of things are flashing?

KACHKAR: Just lights and cars and I'm driving and that's all. I don't remember---

NIELSEN: M-hm.

KACHKAR: ---any of those details.