SPY THE FRIENDLY SKIES

The federal government is covering up a report on forcing airline passengers to bare all for security. How badly do you wanna fly? Are you ready to get naked for your country? Please put your hands together and get ready for Jimberly! Canadian airports are on the verge of installing new scanners that can see through passengers' clothing, performing a virtual strip-search --Peep Show. The scanners detect genitals and other body parts most people would rather keep concealed , with no cover and no minimum .This sounds just short of a shoe cam. They started testing the machines last year at the airport in Kelowna, B.C. , but won't release their report .The Canadian Air Transportation Security Authority claims 95% of passengers said they preferred the scanner to a conventional pat-down. As Greg Weston of Sun Media wrote this past week, that may be because they had no idea they were part of this virtual peep show . People were simply asked if they wanted to take part in helping test new safety screening technology.

This was done while the old conventional metal detector was down the hall. You had the option but were not told that. So most people said yes , spinning the number to 95%. No one asked if you'd rather someone saw you naked or have some nice young lady pat you down. Or both and go out for a Chuck Yagermeister drink after. The only good thing about this technology is that it will keep the screeners awake.

I would rather take the pat down , even though I am ticklish . 9/11 didn't happen because hijackers were not properly screened . They had box cutters and at the time those were allowed. There is nothing wrong with the current system . Nothing at all if you don't mind stripping down to your skeleton. And sure it can be a pain in the butt if you are stuck behind Elaine Davidson (the world's most pierced woman with 6005 peircings) while she tries to go through the metal detector. Where are you going it? Is not like you have a flight to catch ?

If we are going to start screening people a little tougher . How about not allowing anyone on who has nothing but boring stories to tell ( I don't care about the route you took to get to the airport , about the dream you had last night , your golf game or you child's sleep schedule). Ban the "screaming children fly free" program. Ban people who smell like they could be the center fold in Cat Litter Weekly or at least have a necklace of little pine trees you can give them.

I understand that security is important and my concerns for privacy of my privates will probably fall on deaf ears . But ask yourself would you really have someone see your funbags rather than ask if you packed your own bags? Would you rather be searched for a bomb or have somebody think you are Da Bomb , heightening the alert level in his trousers ?

I know my answers will be the wrong answers. Partly because the government asked the wrong questions to get an answer it wanted to hear. Now they won't release the report and spin it to 95 % of the people in Kelowna not minding being seen naked . So if we are going down this road, lets help the entire country . Tough times call for drastic measure . Next time you need an X-ray, head to the airport. Many of us can't get a Doctor and wait times are crazy. So we can cut down our time in the cue by getting to the airport early. You can get a colonoscopy, strip search and X Ray all at the same time . Sure some people are concerned that their liquor bottles so to speak are undersized. But that is a small sacrifice. If it means they will be better able to spot the nuts . I think they mean unstable people or at worst the kind of thing that people are allergic too.